


Happy Trails

by LogicGunn



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, F/M, Ficlet, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26345920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LogicGunn/pseuds/LogicGunn
Summary: It’s 2300 hours when Rodney quietly knocks on John’s door. John answers with a sleepy “S’up?”, but snaps to attention when he sees the absolutely horrified look on his friend’s face.Or:Teyla has ruined Rodney for anyone else.
Relationships: Post-Rodney McKay/Jennifer Keller, pre-Rodney McKay/John Sheppard - Relationship
Comments: 25
Kudos: 116





	Happy Trails

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a giggle.

It’s 2300 hours when Rodney quietly knocks on John’s door. John answers with a sleepy “S’up?”, but snaps to attention when he sees the absolutely horrified look on his friend’s face. 

“Jesus, Rodney, what’s wrong?” he says as he pulls Rodney into his room and shuts the door behind them. 

Rodney waves his hands as he fails to articulate his horror, sits down on the end of John’s bed in a huff of breath, then jumps back up again and starts to pace around the room. 

“Buddy?” says John, and Rodney stops moving and turns on the spot to face him. 

“I can’t-” says Rodney. “It’s just so...I really didn’t-” 

John grabs his jacket off the back of his chair with one hand and yanks open his mini-fridge to grab a sixpack of beer with the other. “This looks like a pier situation,” he says, and Rodney follows him faithfully as he leads the way to the transporter that will take them to the far edge of the city. They settle down on the pier, legs dangling over the edge, Rodney kicking his feet anxiously. He takes a long draw of the cold beer that John hands him then looks down at his hands. “This is familiar,” he says. 

“Yes, well, it helped you last time,” says John, sipping his own beer. “I’m hoping for a repeat performance.” 

“I-” starts Rodney, but he stops dead, picking at the ring pull of his can. John knows that look on his face, the wide eyes, the tight mouth, has seen it before at times when Rodney thinks he’s fucked something up royally. 

“Is it your brain?” asks John, tentatively. 

“What?” 

John gestures at Rodney’s head with his beer can. “Memory loss.” 

“Oh,” says Rodney. “No. Nothing like that.” 

“Huh. Well, I know you haven’t blown up another solar system in the last four hours. Someone would have radioed me.” 

“Ha ha very ha.” 

“So...” 

Rodney takes a swig from his can then passes it from hand to hand. “It’s Jennifer,” he says, at last, looking out to the horizon. 

“You have an argument?” asks John. 

“Not exactly.” 

“Okaaaaay. I, uh, you wanna give me a hint?” 

“I...I think we broke up.” 

“Oh.” John plasters a sympathetic look on his face and hopes it passes muster. “Jeez, I’m sorry buddy.” 

“It’s my fault.” 

“Well, usually it takes two to-” 

“I kind of freaked out.” 

“Right. What about?” 

“We were...I mean...you know, having a nice evening. A _nice_ evening. Together.” 

John really doesn’t need the details. “Right,” he says. “Got it.” 

“I, um...well, I took off her underwear and...uh...it was awful.” 

“What was awful?” 

_“It_ was awful.” 

“It?” 

“Her...you know...” 

“Her...? Oh. Uh, dare I ask how?” 

“I can’t even-” 

“What was wrong with...it? I mean was she hiding a dick in her underwear?” 

“No, no, that wouldn’t have been a problem.” 

John files that information away for the future. “So...what, she had a swastika tattoo?” 

Rodney snorts out a laugh. “Oh, hardly,” he says. 

“Well what then?” asks John. “Her period? A wraith feeding organ?” 

“It’s not so much what was there as what _wasn’t_ there.” 

“I’m not following.” 

“She...” Rodney’s voice quietens to a whisper. “She has absolutely no pubic hair!” 

“Ohhhhhhh,” says John. “I see.” 

“It was absolutely-” splutters Rodney “I just can’t-” 

“Well, you know,” says John. “Some women like to-” 

“Yes, I get that, sure, a little tidy up, no problem. But all of it?!” 

“Well, it’s actually quite fashionable in certain-” 

“John, it’s positively prepubescent. How’s a guy supposed to...you know...keep his interest if-” 

“Oh. Oh, so you- Oh. Right. I can see how that might be an issue.” 

“And then she got sympathetic and I got defensive and things got heated, and not in a good way, and it escalated to the point where she threw me out and told me never to come back.” 

“I’m sure she didn’t mean it.” 

“Well...I think that I _did_ mean it when I said it was the creepiest thing I’d ever seen.” 

There’s a long silence in which John tries not to laugh, really he does, because it’s _Rodney,_ and he’s sensitive at the best of times, and this is not the best of times. 

“Look. Chalk it down as a difference of opinion and go talk to her. I’m sure if you apologise, she’ll-” 

“I don’t ...I don’t think I _want_ to make up. I’m kind of put off if I’m honest.” 

“Well,” says John. “That’s fair enough.” 

“I just think that Teyla’s ruined me.” 

John’s brain freezes. “Uh...Teyla?” 

“She doesn’t shave _anything._ All those little tops she wears, showing off her unshaven armpits, and the high split skirts with unshaven legs, and when I delivered Torren, I couldn’t help but notice everything was au naturelle there too.” 

John lets out the breath he was holding. “Well, she does set a certain standard.” 

“She’s quite literally the most beautiful woman in two galaxies! There isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t give one of his testicles to get close to her. Perfect, absolutely perfect, just the way she is.” 

“Well, that’s great buddy, but I doubt either Keller or Teyla would appreciate us sitting here musing over their unmentionables.” 

“You’re right. It’s just that body hair is a sign of sexual maturity, it’s important, it’s...it’s a requirement. For me at least.” 

“I hear you. So...feel better?” 

“I guess.” 

“Then my job here is done.” 

“Thanks, John.” 

“You’re welcome.” John raises his half-empty beer can. “Here’s to body hair, an unexpected bonus.” 

Rodney taps his can against John’s. “Amen,” he says. 

“You’re getting a little mixed up there, buddy.” 

“I know what I mean.” 

*** 

**From:** Lt Col J P Sheppard (jpsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov) 

**Sent:** Friday, November 23, 2008, 0003 UTC+17 

**To:** Dr M R McKay (mrmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov) 

**Subject:** just so you know... 

i don’t shave anywhere but my face ;) 


End file.
